Feelings.

The game of feelings.

Now my 100th article here on Medium. I would like to do a good job making it count.

And the topic in hand is resistance to feelings.

When writing, or making any endeavor creatively the feelings are one of the compasses for me. And while most of the time I go in line with them and express them out, there comes those moments when that is not the case. When they get stuck in me.

When I try so hard not have them. Don’t feeling totally alright with the article I’ve planning to post. The video I wanted to share, there is something not wanting within me to do the action. At that moment, not that I think about it, not that I wish it out loud, there is some part of me that resist it. “Why do I don’t want this, what is it?!” I just want to post it to almost like not have to deal with it. It’s almost like believe I have stored there somewhere, that’s kicking in unconsciously every time I encounter it.

Now the thing that I probably have the most problem is, I don’t really know how to call it. But it manifests itself within me in the way that I want to do an action and there is this “No”. I make this interpretation of the feeling, the truth is there are just few times that I really drop into my body and look, “How does it feel within me?”.

Where I genuinely, without trying to make judgements about it, I went and observed it. Who know where those feelings come from. If they are fueled by some past situations, not really lived through and whatever thought appears got boosted by those feelings. Or is it food that I ate, and feel not great after. Is it my general mood, the internal arguing just few minutes before.

Well there is this thing in psychology, that the emotion live within a person up to 90 seconds. The physiological traces of the emotion, like adrenalin and stuff. However, here is the catch. Unless, you don’t resist it or fuel it even more by some action.

What I mean by actions. I can see it with anxiety. The amount of times I catch myself making an action and feeling a temporal relief. Then again starts to ramp up with this “What if” And then you go again, make another action. Relieve and again anxiety back.

Yesterday, when thinking about it, it reminded me of my fight with flies. Each time the fly sit on my skin I felt this itch to move just to not feel her. I do it, and she goes to make a flyover and sit again. I pissed of even more shake my hand again. Starting to get stuck with attention to her. She sit, I move. Ever and ever. “Just fucking experience the itchiness don’t fight with it.” it doesn’t help then. I am already somewhere else. But really look what everything I did to put away the initial itch.

Now this how anxiety a lot of times is. It’s fly away and come back with another thought you make an action to prevent it or whatever and there comes another one. Another and another, till you don’t have anything else just the feeling of anxiety.

Looking at the fly maybe this believe or want wish to want to be okay when it sits on me. That’s where it all starts. That need to be different or feel different that I feel now at the moment. “I don’t want it to sit on me”, rather then just going with it. I start this: “I am a monk and I should be able to be okay with it.” While inside slowly builds this pile of frustration and resistance.

With the games of emotions there are two ways. You resist the emotion almost like having an enemy or obey the emotion and whatever the thoughts bring with it. Both of them are ways we probably all experienced. But I would like to walk the third one, the one when you receive them, express them connect to them, make the alive in you and then be free from it to decide however you want. To have the freedom from it.

Is this just another way how I am actually not achieving what I want. No really when I look at it and read it after me, there is this need to be free from it. And then I would do something.

I just sometimes there were moments where I almost did this I am a tuff guy and just blasted to do an action, I felt not really to at the moment. Then afterwards it haunted me. I didn’t feel well and all in all it was a really frustrating experience. The experience of push. I don’t want that. I want to just be free.

And the only way I did find till now, to achieve this freedom, the opening to the emotions is going right through the emotion. Expressing the emotion somehow, connective to the present way of emotion. Now you probably read those words, allow it, embrace it, connect to it so many times but nobody really says how. “How the fuck should I do it!?” Few people give you an actual instruction of how to do it.

And maybe that’s the thing. Maybe each of us needs to find the way how we would be radically honest to whatever it’s alive within us. To manifest this connection whether is through meditation, writing, painting or whatever instruction works in for you.

The one thing that worked for me, is writing and almost like asking my mind to come along to a journey of discovery how do I feel in my body. To like move there and first, honestly going to observe it and then commenting over it. Try to find a metaphor to my hearth beating. Once I found it similar to when you cycle and move your body from side to side. This is the way that somehow did work for me. The biggest disadvantage of this method is however that you can get lost in the jungle of stories, and forget to do the actually look.

With anxiety, I was trying to just play this finger games, where I touch the thumb with each of the finger. And repeat it to the different rhythms and different ways. Doing something with my hands makes the trick a lot of time. Painting is really the one that is special. Because you need to move your hand, and see be present with the drawing. Really be there and look at it.

Maybe one thing to the end. A lot of times I get lost trying other peoples instructions, and others people advice. While within me, it seems like there is always the answer to whatever question I pose. This is not a knock onto others people ways, I want to experiment with them, but after that point just go with whatever is within you.

There is a saying that it first go worst and then go well. Yes this is probaly, how it is. When I feel anxiety I first do the step to fell it to fully live the anxiety within me, however it feels and just then it goes and subsides. There were moments, that this transition is shorter. From start to the end of the emotion. That’s how you know you’ve accepted it.

During rereading this article I encounter that I wanted to write this advice.

Increase your awareness.

Basically to forget all those stories, all those actions everything and just observe. For a short moment don’t mess with those energies, don’t try to live through them let them just be. There by themselves. With meditation, they explain it as: “It feels more like a radical undoing, then doing anything.” How to do it, I wouldn’t give you advice, maybe just experiment?

Like the one meditation experiment as Douglas Harding call them, which I really like. The ones that worked for me and did something to me. Where you can practice this awareness and when the hard times come, you can apply it. You can find some of them by googling him, but here is one written down.

Look in front of you. Take your hands in front of you, palms facing each other about half meter apart. Now slowly starts to move them behind your head. When you do this look where they disappear. How would you describe the moment when they start to disappear, where do the hands go.

I still need some training here but hey. One step after another. Thank you for reading it. I hope one or two things out of this article touches you. See you people.

Bye,
Luke