Loosing an 4000 Word Draft of Honesty and Raw Emotions
For people who had lost their article. And are looking for an experience buddy to not feel alone.
You know something like getting F grades and sharing with another F grade classmate. Next comes just the raw emotions that were happening right after it.
Ou the fucking fuck I just finished, I don’t even want to write about it. Fucuuuuuuuuuck fuck . I just finsihed a writing a piece about 4000 words, that I felt that there were articels I acan like gather thoughts from or stuf from it for at least week or make something, there were couple that I really enjoyed. It was flowing and it was written out of this honesty, the fuck. Why yehfhbebufebosdrhogerhuerugugeppugpurg.
Slamming the keyboard really hard in the last word.
KURWAAAAAAa. That is a fuck or even worse in my mother thought language word. Fucking fucking fuck.
I clicked save button and it all crashed. I have this unhappiness within me now. Just fuck this shit. Fuck it really. It hurts it really, maybe not, it’s just disgusting more that hurts. My face is all fuck you.
Shaking my head from side to side.
How the fuck are you, why would you do that to me. Why would you fucking crash right after I click the fucking save button. You know what? I wouldn’t write this right now, If I wouldn’t have this advice in my head that I heard, “When you are in emotions write it out.” Yeah, I am the fuck.
Was trying to follow this advice to writing while I am in the emotions. So I continued.
This is hurt so, I don’t believe it. I still try to somehow not to believe it, so somehow just, not this isn’t even going back. This is just I just am shocked, Maybe there. I would not fucking put out those interpretations that I am having right now. I am just fucking here, sad over that I do, I am not gonna read what I happened to write, in this honesty flow, after I was unpeeling one fucking facade after another from my self. That I gathered after a long time of bullshitting me and others, there out loud. It’s just.
Fuck that shit.
I really wasn’t happy about it as you can see.
At least I hear the sound of the water. That’s nice, slowly dropping outside of the house. And again this need to go back and express it again, there were, just… I wouldn’t do it the same I did then, the only way is to connect with what is now, and now there is this closing my eyes trying to not be here, or not experience, not even that, you just shake your head. No, no, no.
See here I am getting a bit of sad. Looking for the relieving answer.
Just the why. I don’t want to know The why now, that just, the fuck why. See. I hope those thoughts are living somewhere there within me. I hope so. That there will visit me again. It wouldn’t be easy the road to that flow was through honesty and anxiety. Honesty sounds easy, the fear to get there, but I hope I would find the connection again.
My broken hearth went for a someone to blame ride.
On top if it, I would fucking I don’t like you program. Really I don’t like you how could you crash when I fucking writing. How the fuck. And oh this bullshit move right at the Save button. Oh priceless, priceless, the save button crash. Why not? And when you open it, there is nothing. Ny words. If it. Just the old domucment, Fuck you old document suggestion, okay? That is already there.
When I looked at what was autosaved, there was this previous document. Mine new one was gone.
There was this thought maybe I should end up sooner, and save it maybe then It wouldn’t crash, who knows, Maybe. The fuck I know. I haven;t written this application. I would probably go to, no I wouldn’t it’s just. Now I would fucking do it first copy and then save, should you really, Really you needed to crash right now. Right when I wrote all those stuff, when I put there like ideas.
Clicking through the UI and hoping.
I just still was going through files, if I would find it. Hoping there somewhere, in the documents. That it would be there. Just I would see the 4114 figure again of words.
Recalling my action right after it.
It isn’t, There is a phase after the screaming of saliva out, which is a bit of comical. Like I wanted to hit the chair, but stopped because: “It wold hurt you know the buddhist thing” fuck turned to a room and just breath out saliv not trying to scream because it’s night already. So I just sounded like a burst wheel on a car. Sciii. Oh fuck. Spraying the saliva out.
I wrote the main ideas of the articles, I just know, I wouldn’t create exactly what I wrote there.
Getting a bit in terms with it. Noticing some insights.
Was writing how when you once burn through the material, through the feelings that were they, fueling your creativity, along the way then you’re left with this, free space. Free that’s the thing, You no longer have the initial fuel, that was there.
Trying to recreate the experience is stupid, useless. I did, I tried, you can copy it, but it wouldn’t come back. It’s just this is how it works. A lot of meditation people also talk about it, how sometimes it’s just you make the step do another one and there it would be.
Here I tried to go how meditators sometimes go to it, trying to have the enlightenment experience again. And thats how they fail.
You just breath and the fuck now father is in the shower. I wanted to go there, But wanted to write it here. I am bit tired now. All the adrenalin flushed over me. A bit pissed upon not that I couldn’t like share the articles with you, I would, I still it’s like you miss it. The result mainly.
Saying in despair.
You just wanted to taste it again. You wanted to connect with whatever you’re writing there. Again. This honesty going out of this, this whole process you could see it here, feel it in every sentence. Who knows if I am not bullshiting here again. He hey, another facade and material for creation then. Fuck.
I am getting a bit tired here of the curse words. It just was there at the moment. Sorry not sorry?
I am not jumping from hapines not I am not. I am sitting and just throwing some blame on the text editor and why the fuck it neded to be under the fucking save button, ah just priceless. Right there. I even had thoughts of going to the typing machine, Like there you wouldn’t loose it, it’s there. Nobody can, it can’t crash. I was thinking if that maybe the experience would be even different, It would be fun to try.
Like I did really think about the writing machine option. I didn’t wanted to experience it again.
I know that writing on paper is different. I just don’t want to or feel unmotivated and don’t even know how it’s called, this feeling not wanting to. Demotivated to just continue. I would, I would, I just miss it. There are those thought’s its maybe training, its just, I … oh come on. I fear that, I don’t want the fam or something to, I wouldn’t write it. The situation is bleek, I just want it, want. Nobody asks me. There are needs those are here, but the wants who knows.
A pause for thoughts to come.
“You’ll always get what you desire” seeing a title on Alan watts talk. I desire, who knows what I desire, I should but I don’t. I don’t even know in that point that I desire the article back. I didn’t it’s like rather don’t even show me the way to get it back. I experienced this probably three times already. Like the big when loosing it. In hollywod reporter I heard writer say: “ I’ve lost 18 month or 14 months of work” the hardware on computer crashed, I was like the fuck.
There isn’t really a going back. It’s an experience whatever you create however you do it’s unique always. The more honest and the more present with it you are it’s you hold or love it more.
Going back trying to reseract it is like the guy crying over a sand castle. It’s gone man. It’s gone.
Now I am jumping to some framing for my experience.
In psychology, they say there are those 4 phases; denial, sadness, and something and then you look forward. Or finally start to see the light. I don’t know which I am now. First is probably rage, then denial. I think I reached the sadness part. It feels a bit depressing. But I like the water falling down from the outside of the house. It is the same thing or I noted it even in the previous document. It’s the same the water now. It’s the same. Now. Yeah.
It’s, it’s what it is. See that phase I am. Hunched, unwilling or not that energized to write, just to sit and look at the keyboard.
Getting a bit in terms with it.
I am, I am thinking about other people having some losses, one call it bigger, like the whole world situation right now. Maybe just if your reading, if there is one thing that I found it with writing, just open the computer, open a file, turn down the screen so you don’t see anything and start with the honesty to whatever it’s there. Write it slowly, there would be a lot of facade, at the start. You would peel it down, like an orange, and underneath it, there would be this raw emotion. Whatever it is, that’s it. There is nowhere else you need to be, nowhere else phases or just forget about any advice, just be with it. Resist it, be whatever presents itself there.
I wish Love to you human, love to you. Then read a joke, it cold crunk a bit of energy.
Oh and this one video helps me gets going in those situations. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qm2fNjJPJ8g&ab_channel=TwinkieMan