Saying The Honesty and Not The Ballast Around.

What happens when you start saying the things that you are most afraid and embarrass to say.

Photo by Fabian Møller on Unsplash

Do you have this friend that you look up to? Not in the idol way, or something. It’s just you envy a bit what he is doing. He is creative and you just: “Good for you lad.” It’s almost like you see within him a version of the You, you can be.

Some coincidence, I’ve stumbled upon his photo and wrote: “Hey man, I found your photo,” put a joke how he can improve a bit. Few words passed by, and he wrote: “Hey what do you do now?”

I stopped look in front of me and thought what I was doing. I was in the middle of being unemployed having trouble with it, and I was a bit ashamed. I was creating yeah, but still. I could notice how I am picking up what to say and what to left out. But for some reason I just went: “Fuck it.”

“I am unemployed right now, so that’s that.” I was staring at the phone, waiting for the reply while noticing the mind getting more wild. I was probably inside my head, but had a bit of this fuck it afterglow. This is what came:

I started to laugh. It’s just I thought that I would be less or something, and what I found instead when I put the honesty to the universe was: “I am human too!” “Wau,” I was really surprised. I didn’t expect that. As stupid as it sounds, I just saw him as a human or something. There was this connection and the key was this honesty.

Yeah, he can find job right away, the amount of skills that he has, and the experience is somewhere else. But still. We went to joke around it. He never like looked at me from the above or something, it’s just I wanted also wanted to be cool like him.

See what happens when you say out loud the honesty version. Then I sent him my creations, and he didn’t reply. The life went a bit away from the conversation.

See what happened? I know it’s terrifying. You are probably saying: “But what I say is true, I just don’t share the deepest stuff you know.” Fair enough. I just don’t know if you would find what you would with the things that you are most afraid of to say.

With some people you don’t want to share it. You have hard time being vulnerable, I get that. Then we have the option here to say: “Hey I don’t want to share it with you.”

There is aliveness in those replies, when you connect to the present and go that route. You can even feel it, when you speak with somebody.

When you don’t say the honest one

Like I had a similar experience when writing with another classmate from a primary school. We didn’t spoke for a long time and after I shared a video of me dancing on YouTube, he wrote me. “Hey man.”

Few words later he wrote: “Hey would we go out some day?” and I din’t really feel like going out. It’s not like I don’t want to or something, it’s just there was this lack of calling. He is fine, and all but I don’t really see a reason to go. So again I was faced with this, what would I write this time however. I didn’t go this: “Let be honest route.”

I went for the polished, multiple times rehearsed excuse which is true, but it’s not The honest one. “Listen I am doing a larva right now, trying to hide.” “You know the virus and stuff.”

Now this is where the interesting part happened. He did reply when would you be free again to go? “Oh fuck, I just” I didn’t feel like it. See how you have more problems just not doing it.

We finished the conversation with this usual: yeah, maybe somewhere in the future. Now however, I was faced with this thought: “I am hiding inside” hovering around me.

“What if we’ll meet outside?” and felt anxious over that scenario. I go outside with a dog and so on. Then I started to find out replies to that possibility could use: “Oh you know with doggy, I can go alone. Social distancing haha.” But, I usually go for a walk with my nephew. Again what then?

Do you see where this is going? How each of the thoughts you put out there, that are partially or not totally honest, can haunt you down the route and make you anxious. At the moment, it would be terrifying.

Hey right now I don’t feel like it now.” to be more clear. When I saw the question to go out, I wasn’t really called to go. You just outline what was alive in you when it was happening. Nothing more nothing less. Simple. Maybe some other time, but who knows. See I am doing it again. This fear of he may read it too is creeping out. And I am too afraid to go back and write it directly.

Yeah honesty, I feel even fear because I had a call with my friend, and I started telling some stuff, and then proposed to tell some stuff later because now I didn’t felt the courage. I was putting them aside multiple times. Some thoughts, you even feel embarrassing to say out loud. I can feel the pressure a bit.

It seems like people, we would always face this. And our relationship with this emotion fear, or embarrassment would determine how honest we are. I don’t think embarrassment is an emotion. It’s more like a shame for having those thoughts, or whatever else unpleasant emotion is there.

Yeah, another reason to practice some honesty.

See ya,

Luke

Just writing.